Sunday, July 9, 2017

fear gets the best of us
There was crying, thinking and more crying for 72 hours straight. I might have even cried a few times throughout the day in hiding.
It was a bad 3 days but in the midst of the junk and what felt like attack after attack from Satan I kept trying to remind myself of how good god is. What a mess I was!  He is always good.  No matter what.  And not one part of that weekend surprised him.   I kept looking for him everywhere and sure enough I saw him.  I want my kids to know we were not promised easy but we were promised God's love.  

back to the story..

I happen to notice a lump on my neck(thyroid) drinking a glass of water by a mirror one day.  I was actually able to get into the Dr. for a blood test and ultrasound right away.  The problem was the blood test they did was not at all what they were supposed to do.  They wouldn't check me for more of what I insisted so I had to find another Dr. that would.  
Low and behold the ultrasound confirmed the lump I saw.  One at 3.9 cm and another at 1.2cm.

The next stop another day was to a different ENT for a biopsy with a pathologist right by my side reading and analyzing everything. I needed a good Dr. after Dave's messed up biopsy.  Can I just tell you how much anxiety I had here.  Holy crazy of all crazies...I can birth 5 children no problem but getting needles in my neck wasn't sounding fun by all means.  
I get in there, gown up, roll me into the room, and start cleaning me and putting cloths all over my face to block off the area.   I thought I was going to die on the table.  This is really happening. The dr. was gracious enough to show me everything he was doing...needles and all.  I'm pretty sure that helped.  I just kept rambling and talking to ease my nerves.

Silly me thought they numb me with a topical kind of cream or something....noooo 4 needles in the neck.  Next up lots of pressure on my windpipe.  He then proceeds to take the needles and press up and down at least 5 times per needle to gather the cells.  He was having a hard time getting the cells.  Only blood.  Which later I found out is a good sign. Typically they do 3 or 4 needles but he did 7.  Can I just say it was like someone laying on my windpipe inserting a ton of pressure.  It was crazy and oxygen in your nose only makes it worse.

I just kept talking to myself the whole time...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...over and over and over again.

All weekend long when my heart was overwhelmed, God lead me to him and allowed me to see his goodness everywhere. Honestly i just really had to be open.... to see it.
Questions and what ifs and the unknown realities reeled in my head and heart most of the days.  All I kept thinking about was Dave's cancer and what he went through and it brought me right back to that moment.  It's so easy for anxiety to take over  and mess with your mind. 

So completely easy....i get all of you who are in the same boat.

SO...I made it!

  I got the results back and praise the lord it was " benign"
So my one Dr. said I can go get an ultrasound in a year to see where it's at.

 If you know our family we are all about the Naturopathic Dr.s and clean eating besides the baking we do for others....(Baked goods are made to change the world....insert swoon!!!)   Don't point fingers please. I see a great Naturopathic Dr. and have been working on removing my nodules naturally.  

It will take some time but we are hopeful. 

He was able to do all the lab work for me that I needed(14 pages of results)  I found out I was crazy over in a lot of good things(greens and plants and all that good stuff) and very low in a lot of things.  Started some new things and made my eating more regimented.  I will write more about that later.  I will go in 6 months and get another ultrasound and blood test and go from there.  

My Dr.(an old hippy that's right up my ally) is awesome!  (of course not covered by insurance)
This is life and this is how we will roll right now.

 Everyone has their struggles.  
Their ups and downs. 
 Everyone has these seasons.
Some seasons are just harder and longer than others.  

  God is here.
God knows.
He never leaves.
 He sees us.

  God  lives in me so I have His hope and His peace.  I cannot be consumed by this darkness because God drives out darkness.  He is the light of the world.  He breaks through the darkness.  He is light in the midst of darkness.  Darkness will not consume us because He has overcome.  These are things I know, but when the darkness feels so thick you can touch it, it’s easy to forget.  I needed this reminder more than ever that weekend.
So here’s what I know…life is messy and hard…He never promised us easy and we don't deserve anything.  He calls us into loving and caring for each other well.  And He knows how damn hard living in this fallen world is. 

 He sees each one of us right where we are and knows our hearts, hears our cries and loves us the same every single day.  

His plans are always better and wildly good and we can never fathom all He has planned for us. 

 He is always good. And the darkness will not remain…it can’t when the Light lives in us.  

He will always come and make us shine bright.
Praying for all your hearts this week wherever they may land and in whatever state they may sit.  God is still good…He always is…and He loves us like no other