Sunday, September 26, 2010

1 of many mistakes
This is a long one...pull up a chair!!

The other day when I was digging through my old rubbermaids from when I was younger, I couldn't help but read some of my old journals. 
I have 3 boxes full
Started when I was in 8th grade to help me with my dreams and sleepwalking but loved it so much I still do it on and off.  Some of them are so funny and what I wrote just cracked me up. 
My kids cannot read them until they are older.
I went through a lot of crazy things in my days and they do not need to know .....yet
Some day I'll right about it and then you'll really think I'm crazy!
I have a seriously vivid imagination and I just wrote whatever I thought. 
Out of high school I developed an eating disorder that lasted 5 years.  It was and on/off game we(a few girls) played that became a problem.  Please do not take this the wrong way but I was never a person who was concerned with my looks or what people thought of me.  God made me for who I was and loved me just the way I AM.   I just enjoyed life played sports and hung out with whoever I felt with.  I preferred guys because women had so much drama and they just cared what they looked way more than I ever did.  I never matched and I was very carefree. 
 It all started with a dare to eat a whole chocolate cake and progressed from there.  It became a game to see who could eat the most stuff and throw it up.
Couldn't hurt us, all we were doing was throwing it up.
Easy and fun and we could eat a ton of food.
Over time it obviously became and addiction and I started to get sick from it all and lost weight and hair and my teeth got bad and all sorts of other minor things.
I just couldn't stop.
This is great I thought.
This wasn't an image thing for me it was an addiction to food.
So, one day when I was still living at home and working, I came home on luch break and I was BUSTED. 
Ya see, it got so hard for me to actually vomit that I had to find a seriously long buter knife to help me everytime I did.  I used the butt end of it and it worked like a champ. 
That one day, the knife got stuck and lodged behind my front teeth and I had to call my mom at work.  We worked at the nursing home together.  Could you imagine that.  I'll never forget the look on her face.  Scared, shock, anger, she wasn't quite sure what I was doing, she had never heard of an eating disorder.
That day forth was a battle.
I had to let her in on all that I was hiding and try to get her to understand. 
I was a believer then but I had no realationship with the Lord.
I talked to him all the time but never listened to him or opened my ears or heart to him, never fully gave myself to him.
My mom was always praying for me or giving me little notes with scipture on but I never wanted to listen, just saved them and would reread from time to time.
She read book after book and watched me like a hawk.
She knew nothing about this. 
I continued on my way. 
Throwing up at various places around the city or wherever I could find.
It was just so much fun to eat 10 fresh chocolate do nuts from Super America, a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken and wash it down with a chocolate shake.
whole coffee cakes 
do nuts
do nuts were my thing
I knew the gas station(Super America)man  
Looking at my journals, it's what I could eat.
I kept it up for a couple more years and went through therapists left and right. 
Never liked one of them.  Of course not, I wanted to keep doing this and they are trying to stop me and tell me I have all these issues wrong with me, that is why you are doing this they would say.
My mom finally said if you are going to live with us(I paid all of my own things, rent, food, phone, car insurance, misc... living there, which I loved and respected my parents for)you will follow my rules.  I worked 3 jobs.  I knew I didn't want to go to college.  I just want to have kids and run an orphanage and take in all the stray and ugly animals that got left behind.  
Big hopes and dreams.  I would just work like a mad man, which I did and loved.
Really, what do I have to do now, I thought
I will try something else to see if we can end this vicious cycle
I checked myself  into this great facility in Waukesha.  They don't have this anymore but I liked it. 
It was kind of run like and in and out program where you stay there overnight if you want and you could go to work too.  Very flexible.
You had to constantly get exams, nurses would call and  check in on your phone , write down everything from eating to peeing to what you do every 15 minutes.  
My goodness this is a lot of busy work and to work at my job at the same time, are you kidding me.
I met a lot of wonderful people there and noticed myself changing slowly but 
I just couldn't believe what some of these girls did just to feel pretty.  It just broke my heart because that wasn't what I was feeling.
I had good days and bad days
I would revisit the local drive thru and gas station and eat until my hearts content
The Dr.'s knew
It was funny, I thought back then at least, when  I would see other girls from the facility being sneaky and doing the same thing. 
Buying diet pills or laxatives or gorging on food
We all just had this thing in common. They were all great friends.
It took some time before I stopped playing this game and finally checked out of their program after a year
I felt like I was in a deep valley trying to constantly crawl up the side and just kept falling.  I needed to get out of my comfort zone and move to a different city.  Away from it all.
There was a lot of other things going on at this time as well, but I will save that for another post or your going to fall of your chair.
I moved out on my own in Milwaukee and thought I could handle it. 
I started going to a different church there
Praying, praying and praying
Doubt kept nibbling at my heart and mind
Bless my mom she sent me letters at least every other day.
I tried to pray more and take Jesus more seriously
The urge would come and go  and I would try it again and it was different each time.  It was really really hard for me to throw up and a lot of work. 
It wasn't easy
I kept getting frustrated and getting discouraged and it was not fun anymore
I knew God understood how fragile I could be my faith could waiver
Maybe I should start reading my bible.  That's why he addresses faith so much in the Bible. Right.
Faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of God. 
Romans 10:17
One more day, day after day.   I thought, I can do it
I just kept getting a belly ache because the food would not come up anymore.
The fun was gone
God was healing me
A lukewarm heart towards God's word and a doubting mind go hand in hand.   
All I had to do was ask God's spirit to open my heart and mind to recieve what he has to show me
Speak to me
Speak to ME
My faith grew and grew as I heard and believed the WORD of GOD
Every choice we make takes us into one particular direction.  We can choose to stay stuck and in our situation or we can choose to begin a new life. 
I am not born a winner.  I am not born a loser.  I am born a chooser. 
We tend to seek HAPPINESS when happiness is a choice.
I choose to follow God for a new life.
I know myself more now than I ever did back then.  
What would we do without God's grace
My mistakes were huge and selfish 
God understands my thoughts and actions(he may not like them) and puts the pieces back together again. 
It makes me ME!  Thank you for hearing my story.....You can wake up now!!!!!